Top Ten Things Said To The Single Church Girl
By Chantell Smith

10. “Do you think you can help out with ______?” This is a question asked of the single church girl because it is assumed that since she is single, she has loads of time to do whatever needs getting done. She doesn’t mind pitching in, but sometimes, in the back of her mind, she wants to respond with a question in kind: “Do you think I have a life, too?”

9. “Next, it’ll be you!” This is said as a result of many of the single church girls’ friends getting engaged, married, etc. She is pretty good-natured about it, saying, “You never know” with a wink and a half-smile.

8. “Honey, don’t you worry. The right one will come along.” This is said to the single church girl at random by well-wishing old ladies. She often wonders if she’s projecting an invisible “I’m worried that the right one won’t come along” aura.

7. “One of my best friend’s cousins knows this guy . . . really nice guy who I think you’d love to meet.” This is one of many attempts to hook the single church girl up with some “really nice guy.” The idea of getting hooked up is not particularly appealing to her, though. She has this idea that things will just magically happen.

6. “Why don’t you and ______ get together?” This question is often asked of the single church girl as to why she doesn’t go out with some single guy in the church. She could answer this many ways, but usually just smarts off with, “For the same reason you aren’t getting together with him.” That usually draws a quizzical look and she just smiles.

5. “Oh, God, give her the desires of her heart, Lord, bring her that mate you have prepared, Jesus.” This is sort of an extension of number 8, also given by well-wishing old ladies, but usually spoken over the single church girl while she is quietly praying and minding her own business during altar call.

4. “Why don’t you pray God will help you find that man so you can settle down and have one of your own?” This question, meant to be taken in jest but usually received in irritation, is asked by someone who is observing the single church girl making cooing noises and baby talking to a happy child she is playing with. The single church girl usually responds coolly, “The Bible says ‘he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing,’ so I’m not worried about finding him. He’s supposed to be looking for me.”

3. “So, do you have a boyfriend?” This one is normally asked of the single church girl by either someone she hasn’t seen in a while or by someone she is meeting for the first time. She hasn’t come up with any cute ways to answer that one yet.”

2. “Why?” (Since the answer to number 3 would be “no.”) The single church girl still can’t figure out why people often follow up with this question. Like she knows. Her first impulse is to say, “You tell me,” but that would be kind of weird, so instead she shrugs, and sheepishly answers, “I don’t know.”

1. “Enjoy it while you can.” A married person wishing they had the time and energy and freedom to do what the single church girl can do in her unattached state often says this. This statement is often followed with, “Cause once you get married and have kids.” The single girl nods in understanding. That’s one thing she doesn’t need to be reminded to do.

This article “Top Ten Things Said To The Single Church Girl” by Chantell Smith is excerpted from ninetyandnine.com.