Welcome to the Church Of Us!
Audry Mitchell

The services, naturally, will be about us!

If you are dressed by 9:00 a.m. and have nothing else to do, we invite you to attend the Watch Club. These are the saints who meet in the sanctuary every Sunday morning and watch the pastors wife pray. If you do decide to attend, try to, leave the back seats open for the saints.

The services normally begin at 10:00 a.m. but if you sit somewhere other than the front seats, you may be asked to move to another seat by the members of the church, who are making their morning arrival promptly at 10:30 a.m. As the service progresses, try not to be too friendly with others because some may s 11 be sleeping and do not wish to be wakened.

It is acceptable for you to chew your gum, eat your candy, bring a sack lunch or even a water bottle if you’d like, just as long as you don’t mind sharing with everyone else. After all, if you’ve brought it, it must be everyone else’s too!

If you spill anything on the carpet or pew, please cover it up quickly and move to a different spot, so that the blame may be placed on someone else. It is advised that you keep your money when the offering plate is passed so that others will not expect you to give on a regular basis. If you do give, we suggest no more than $1. a person because if everyone gives $1. then there shout be plenty left over.

If you are asked to participate in any type of fundraiser for the church, we strongly suggest that you decline because if you help the church raise any moneys so that you may build a bigger church, you may be asked to be a participator in the church and will have to give up your position as the spectator.

It is our desire that you enjoy yourself and do whatever makes you more comfortable. For some women it is letting their children run wild. Please feel free to let the children show off their personality as they crawl over your feet, and run all over the feet of the visitors, the pews, or wherever they wish to run. They need freedom too! Just do whatever feels good to you. Remember, this is the church of US!

While you are here you will be expected to be like the rest of us. Please follow our example and make US proud.

You will not be expected to do the things that may be mentioned from the pulpit such as stand up, pray, raise your hands, or sing as we understand that this can lead to an actual experience with God and really there is little time for that if you intend on socializing.

If you become involved in these things you might actually feel something, other than the air, and could get so caught up in prayer that you might repent of your sins, be baptized in the name of Jesus, and be filled with the Holy Ghost, then it could make life more difficult as you try to enjoy your television, cigarettes, beer, gambling, etc.

This could cause you to lose your place in hell, which wouldn’t be fair to you since on have spent years trying to reserve a spot there.

Try not to bring your Bible with you as you will be expected to read and then you wouldn’t have time to write your grocery list, your letter to Aunt Auntie, or pass notes to the ones in back of you.

We hope that you join our church. Keep coming, whenever you can, (we don’t expect to attend every week because there are too many other things that need to be done, like cutting the grass or spring cleaning), and in time, you ’11 be just like the rest of us, here at the Church of US!

To Whom It May Concern:

I attend a United Pentecostal Church in Gallatin, Tennessee. Once a month the ladies have a get together where we eat, play games, put on skits, etc.

For the last ladies fellowship that we had, I typed up a “pretend” flyer for us to pass out on our Saturday visitation and asked the sisters in the church to give me their opinion on the flyer.

Everyone enjoyed it so much that they asked for copies for their husbands, and for family and friends who do not attend our church.

It was suggested that I submit it so that others could read it.

Have a blessed day!

The above material was published by Audrey Mitchell. This material may be copyrighted and should be used for study and research purposes only.