Wit and Wisdom
Mike Atkinson

* A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
* A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
* A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
* Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
* A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
* A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
* Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.
* All general statements are false, except this one.
* All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
* All that glitters has a high refractive index.
* An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.
* As soon as I get some grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.
* Aspire to inspire before you expire.
* At pilot’s training back in the Air Corps they taught us, “Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make.”
* Bad decisions make good stories.
* Bald spot? No, that’s a solar panel for brain power.
* Beware of the letter ‘G’! It is the end of everything!
* Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
* By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
* By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
* Care more than others think wise. Risk more than others think safe. Dream more than others think practical. Expect more than others think possible.
* Champagne to our real friends; and real pain to our sham friends!
* Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
* Consistent dependability is appreciated by everyone. Brilliant display of ability and occasional genius are seriously discounted if the follow-through of reliable character is lacking. Those who are outstanding for courage and devotion under the tension of an emergency and who, at the same time, prove reliable in the long, strong, steady pull are the ones whom great responsibility may be placed with confidence. (Dr. Henry Brandt)
* Could you call sweat “workman’s condensation”?
* Diagnostic: Someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods.
* Do not believe in miracles…rely on them.
* Do workaholics have rest cancer?
* Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.
* Don’t you hate it when people can’t sphel?
* End procrastination … tomorrow!
* Every time I hear that dirty word, “exercise,” I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
* Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
* Goofing off is exhausting — there’s no way to take a break.
* Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
* Having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
* He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
* How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
* I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
* I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
* I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
* I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.
* I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
* I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, “Help! Help!”
* I know where I am. I’ve been lost here before.
* I passed another picket line. One of the signs said “Down with repetition!” So did the next one. And the next one, and the next one…
* I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line. Their placards were blank.
* I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
* I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it’s procrastination.
* I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
* I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.
* I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.
* I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.
* I’ll take “Sleep” for $1000 please, Alex.
* I’m like a roasted marshmallow: crusty on the outside, but a big softie on the inside.
* I’m not 50. I’m 49.95.
* I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush. I’m going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.
* If “twenty-nine” is two digits, why isn’t “twenty-ten” three?
* If all else fails, stop using all else.
* If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend six sharpening my axe.
* If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.
* If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.
* If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren’t doing much at 20.
* If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.
* If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?
* It is better to be patient than it is to become one.
* It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* It must be tough going through life with a short – hey look, there goes a butterfly!
* It’s not so much about “Why this?” as “What’s next?”
* Life is like photography…we use the negatives to develop.
* Live so the preacher won’t have to tell lies at your funeral.
* Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
* Mapquest and Google Maps need to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Military men should make ideal husbands — they’re in good health, they can cook, sew, and make beds, and they’re already accustomed to taking orders.
* My wife knows just how to motivate me. She’ll say, “Do you want to do the dishes tonight, dear, or would you rather have a live weasel stapled to your thigh?”
* Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
* One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
* Q: What’s brown and sticky?    A: A stick.
* Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
* She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.
* Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
* Since God and the angels are always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.
* Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
* Sooner or later, everybody gets old, right? I vote for later.
* Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.
* The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.
* The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
* The economy has gotten so bad that yesterday I received in the mail a pre-declined credit card application.
* The first rule of holes: If you’re in one, stop digging.
* The greatest thing about Grace is that it makes life not fair.
* The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.
* The late worm misses the early bird.
* The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
* The opinions expressed are solely those of the author. You go get your own opinions!
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
* The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.
* There’s nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
* To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
* To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.
* To succeed in life, you need three things: A wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
* Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.
* Trousers: An unusual word. Singular at the top; plural at the bottom.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
* Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
* Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
* Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.
* Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly … on a broomstick. We’re flexible like that.
* Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.
* You don’t stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.
* You know you’re getting old when you wonder what you’d feel like if you weren’t taking vitamins.
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
* Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.

This article may not be written by an Apostolic author, but it contains many excellent principles and concepts that can be adapted to most churches. As the old saying goes “Eat the meat. Throw away the bones.”

This article “Wit and Wisdom” by Mike Atkinson was excerpted from: Mike’s Funnies Newsletter. www.mikesfunnies.com July 2010. It may be used for study & research purposes only.